Fatboy Fat

Flash Harry, coming to terms with his international celebrity.

Freebie

But what's the Court's position on tipping?

Around the Newmarket courthouse, they're calling it the "Monica Lewinsky ruling," a reference to the White House intern who performed a certain sexual act on then-president Bill Clinton.

Although that was an oral act, the case in the courthouse north of Toronto that is creating such a buzz involves "manual release," and whether or not masturbating a client at a Vaughan body rub parlour was an act of prostitution.

Justice Howard Chisvin, of the Ontario Court of Justice, didn't think so, and dismissed two bawdy house charges against Valeri Ponomarev, the manager of Studio 176, in a recent ruling that said: "The payment of money was for a full-body massage. The act of masturbation was optional, at no additional fee. I wonder, and am left in doubt as to whether or not the community might consider the act of masturbation in all situations to be sexual."

Snakes vs. Ovoid Balls

Egg-heaving doesn't hold a candle to it.

Father Of The Year

My daughter's current favorite vid.

Footloose

Nice work etc.:

Forensic experts are examining two severed right feet found within days of each other on separate islands off central Vancouver Island.

Police say the latest remains – a foot inside a men's size-12 Reebok sneaker – were found Sunday on a heavily used trail on Gabriola Island near Nanaimo.

[edit]

Oceanside RCMP Cpl. Garry Cox said that finding two severed right feet on relatively nearby islands at such a close interval is odd.

"It's very strange and unusual," he said. "I've never seen anything like this before.

"We've had body parts found, but it's usually from somebody who has died and animals scattered the body parts around."

Invasion

...of the Suspicious Lepidoptera People.

No Comment

Star headline:

Trapped Chinese miners ate coal, drank urine

Sorry, but how is that different than living in Newcastle?

Doggie Bag

Now available in cellophane (without the urn) for the budget-conscious.

It's Never Filling

Few people know that the sports bra was invented during the reign of Akhenaten.

Lazy Tuesday post 'bout nothing

For those of you working in the publishing world, here's some cheap jokes about editors and their peers. There's not many editor jokes out there, especially compared with the huge number of jokes about other professions; hell, even ACTUARIES have a lot of jokes! I guess we editors just ain't funny.

Two fonts walk into a bar, the bartender says 'we don't serve your type here'. So they called the serif.


Q: How many sub-editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: We can't tell whether you mean "insert a new lightbulb" or "have sexual relations inside a lightbulb". Can we reword it to remove ambiguity?

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The last time this was asked it involved Art Directors. Is the difference intentional? It seems inconsistent.

Q: How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why do we have to change it?

Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It was supposed to be in place last week!

Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn't too late to make it neon, is it?

Q: How many advertising directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We're not sure because the client might change it tomorrow. Cut some editorial anyway.

Q: How many sales directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (pause) I get it! It's one of those lightbulb jokes, right?

Suits And Raspberries

One of the suits I work with embarrassed himself recently, when he insisted that University of Western Ontario was part of the Ivy League. What a knob. It took three of us underlings to prove to him that UWO's business school is named after a different guy.

We're nearing the end of July, which means that raspberry season is almost gone for another year. Shamelessly poached from Foodland Ontario, here's a yummy raspberry dessert for those who appreciate this most exquisite of fruits.

Raspberry and Apricot Squares

1/2 cup (125 mL) butter
1 tsp (5 mL) grated lemon rind
1/3 cup (75 mL) granulated sugar
1/2 cup (125 mL) almonds
1 cup (250 mL) all-purpose flour
Topping:
2 cups (500 mL) Ontario Raspberries
1 cup (250 mL) sliced Ontario Apricots
1 cup (250 mL) ground almonds
2/3 cup (175 mL) granulated sugar
1/2 cup (125 mL) all-purpose flour
2 tbsp (25 mL) butter
2 eggs
1/2 tsp (2 mL) baking powder
Pinch salt

Butter sides of 8 in. (2 L) square cake pan; set aside.

In bowl, beat butter until creamy, stir in lemon rind, then sugar and almonds. Mix in flour gradually, using fingertips if too stiff to mix with spoon. Press onto bottom of prepared pan.

Bake in 325°F (160°C) oven for 12 minutes or until slightly puffed and surface appears dry; set aside. Increase oven temperature to 350°F (180°C).

Topping:
In small bowl, combine half the almonds, half the sugar and 2 tbsp (25 mL) of the flour. With fork, blend in butter until mixture is crumbly; set aside.

In separate bowl, beat eggs with remaining sugar until thickened and pale. Combine remaining almonds and flour with baking powder and salt; stir into egg mixture. Combine raspberries and apricots; spoon evenly over base. Cover evenly with batter. Sprinkle evenly with topping. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes or until top is puffed and golden and fruit is bubbly. Let cool in pan on rack. Run knife around edges of pan and cut into squares.

There you go. All this, just to shift my dad's picture from the top of the blog.

Sept. 26, 1927-June 25, 2007

Goodbye Dad. You were one of the good guys.

Jesus Built My Sensible Fuel-Efficient Compact

Hail Mary, full of...

More here.

Featuring The Hit Single "Tarmac-ameleon"

Paved In Full: The Best Of The One-Man Ahmadinejad Band to be released soon:

He has provoked the west's fury with his calls for Israel's elimination, dismissal of the Holocaust as a "myth" and strident advocacy of Iran's nuclear rights.

Now Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president, has ordered his fiery polemics to be saved for posterity in preparation for commercial publication.

He has appointed a 15-member advisory council of his closest aides to study his "works and opinions" and choose the most important. Selected items are likely to be issued as books, CDs and pamphlets.

[edit]

However, Rooz Online, an opposition website, suggested Mr Ahmadinejad's advisers would have a much thinner body of work to choose from.

The only known publication credited to the president - who has a PhD in traffic management - was a treatise about cold asphalt, it said.

I Win

Transmissions From The Silicon Tart.

If I May Be So Bald

Nickers

I laugh but I shouldn't:

Shoppers at Wal-Mart stores across America are loading carts with merchandise – maybe a flat-screen TV, a few DVDs and a six pack of beer – and strolling out without paying. Employees also are helping themselves to goods they haven't paid for.

The world's largest retailer is saying little about these kinds of thefts, but it's recent public disclosures that it is experiencing an increase in so-called shrinkage at its U.S. stores suggests that inventory losses due to shoplifting, employee theft, paperwork errors and supplier fraud could be worsening.

The hit is likely to rise to more than $3 billion this year...

* * * * * * * *

Citizens are asked to report any suspicious observed weight gain:

If you're a fan of Hershey's chocolates beware - there could be a bad batch contaminated with salmonella sitting on some store shelves without your knowledge. It all stems from a bizarre crime that Toronto Police alleged was committed by two men accused of carting off the tainted confections and re-selling them. It supposedly started last fall, when Hershey's originally recalled the candies after discovering the apparent contamination at its Smiths Falls plant.

They hired Turtle Island Recycling Depot on Cherry St. to get rid of them and several pallets of the goodies were destined for a truck on their way to a disposal. But cops allege the two men, one of whom was a Turtle Island employee, intercepted some of the treats and they may have been sold to retailers.

"I think this is a crime of opportunity," said Det. Sgt. John Babiar. "People have seen this chocolate that appears to be destined for destruction, but they were unaware of their risk."

"We estimate that there were approximately 40,000 bars." But only a few of those may have actually reached stores.

Hershey's has now been forced to recall the products in question as the hunt for the potentially dangerous candy continues.

"I suspect that they would have been resold at a very discounted rate to either individuals or diverted for their own personal use," Babiar adds.

* * * * * * * *

Cobourg police, masters of the bleedin' obvious:

The search for the missing beer from the Cobourg Corona heist leads to the streets of the Greater Toronto Area and the territory of organized crime.

Peel Regional and Cobourg police forces are now jointly investigating the theft, one of the largest in Cobourg history, but not as much as originally thought.

Both forces confirm the theft bears all the calling cards of organized crime.

Three tractor-trailers filled with cases of Corona were stolen Saturday afternoon from a Veronica Street parking lot, Cobourg Police said.

The lot, off Division Street south of Highway 401, is unguarded and often contains parked tractor-trailers, Const. Terry Stanley said.

Each trailer contained 1,300 24-bottle cases of the imported beer, Const. Stanley said.

All three rigs were discovered in an industrial area in Peel Region but the beer was gone, police said.

At about $40 per case the theft is worth around $156,000, police said.

The Beer Store sells a 24-bottle case of Corona for $44.35 which drives up the estimated value to around $172,965.

[edit]

Whoever stole the trucks would have had [the] buyers lined up beforehand, police said.

Hitch: Cocks; or, That's Funny, You Don't Look Mutilated

A brief Hitchfest '07 digression...

'The connection between religious barbarism and sexual repression could not be plainer than when it is "marked in the flesh." Who can count the number of lives that have been made miserable in this way, especially since Christian doctors began to adopt ancient Jewish folklore in their hospitals?" (Christopher Hitchens: God Is Not Great, p. 226)

Those of you who've read Mordecai Richler's paranoid '60s London satire Cocksure probably already know this, but the incidence of male circumcision in Canada in the mid-20th century, while difficult to say with accuracy, was clearly much higher than in the U.K.

Doesn't appear to have made the Brits any happier though (stats p. 37).

Higher standards?

Colonel Mustard, In The Nursery, With A Shoe

Professional jumper. Closed course.

Shee-it. Aren't there easier ways to prevent hernia?

More on s-pan y'all.

Melty Week

Too bleedin' hot.

That's right: I'm reduced to posting about the weather.

And food. Tasty 'n' easy summer veggie dish for 2. Can't remember where it's from. Goes well warm with white basmati rice, but you can do it as a cold salad too:

Creamy Puy Lentils w/Lemon Dressing

1/2 cup Puy lentils
1 garlic clove
1 smallish tomater
4-6 black olives (optional, IMNSHO)
1 tbsp butter
1/2 lemon
2 tsp chopped fresh tarragon
1/2 tsp grainy mustard
1-2 tbsp creme fraiche
salt and pepper
chopped flat-leaf parsley, tarragon sprigs and lemon wedges to garnish

1. Boil lentils in saucepan for about 20-25 minutes, or until tender.
2. In the meantime, prepare the veg and make the dressing. Chop the garlic, halve and pit the olives, finely chop and seed the tomato.
3. While the lentils are cooking, heat the butter in a skillet at medium heat. Add garlic; saute, while occasionally stirring, until it begins to brown. Grate in lemon rind, and stir in the juice. Add tarragon and mustard, and cook for 1/2 to 1 minute, stirring constantly. Stir in creme fraiche, salt and pepper. Bring to a boil, then stir in the (drained) lentils, tomato and olives.
4. Transfer and garnish with the tarragon, parsley and lemon.

If you can't be bothered to make or don't want to buy creme fraiche, works perfectly well with 2-3 tbsp full-fat yogourt.

If you live in some hick backwater and can't get puy lentils, then either a) use brown, and make sure to reduce your cooking time so's they don't turn to mush, or b) drink yourself into a depressive stupor.